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Balance the Fear

Updated: Nov 5, 2018

I recently heard Margaret Atwood, the famous author, speak on the process of writing. She basically said, if you want to write, but you’re not, what are you afraid of? This stuck in my mind and has been tumbling around over the last month. Years ago I was inspired to write more by a by a woman, who writes for the Elephant Journals. She shared when she started writing she was in the middle of a massive life transition and just decided to write about anything that was on her mind. Through the process she created her own style…I really liked this.

Tonight as I lay in bed healing from my, no joke, near life death experience in Costa Rica, I think to myself why not… why not just do it, why not write about whatever is on my mind. The process of writing brings up in me and I think in many others a deep fear, because there is an ultimate choice to step into vulnerability and expose oneself. Somehow it seems different than when you’re sharing with someone or even presenting and facilitating. Publicly posting your thoughts seems more real, more permanent, more forever and of course with the word forever can come huge intensity. Therefore, tonight I am consciously choosing to step into that fear with the energy of a little child, who is jumping with glee into a pool of rainwater… having trust and innocence for the process and excited to see what joy can arise from the possibilities of sharing what’s on my mind.

So here’s a little something I am going to start with… Who is Gaeliel Prathna Kaur Apostolou. Many of you might know me very well and some might not, but we have some type of connection that has brought us together. This ultimate question of “who am I” can be taken in so many directions from literal background of education, jobs and trainings that can define me, to the esoteric beliefs of who “I really am” on spiritual levels. So to keep it in a nice grounded space, I’ll tell you this: I am a woman who strives for personal growth and happiness for myself and for others. Some might call me a little bit of personal development junkie and I proudly accept this title, because this is where my passion lies. I have explored many different realms of personal development, trained with various schools and belief systems and I’ve taught and led personal development and wellness practices professionally for years. Regardless of all of this, at the end of the day, I’ve found that in one way or another it all leads back to the same answer.

The key is we as individuals have to discover what our truth is. We have to learn to listen and find the realm within ourselves that turns on that lightbulb. Finding the clarity that gives us that ah ha moment combined with complete relaxation and trust in self. The more we can do this, the more we discover, who we really are for ourselves. It is important to distinguish this last sentence, because it is who we are for ourselves, not for anyone else. Not for our family, our coworkers, our teachers, our lovers…no, no, no for ourselves. My mother always empowered me to choose a path that was right for me and this didn’t mean a path that was already created. If we are going to discover, who we really are for ourselves, I am a firm believer in creating it for yourself.  Develop your own path. I value all the wisdom that can be obtained by studying and learning, but even within a structure that you may choose to work within, only you can truly understand how to apply the system to yourself.  There’s no one else inside of you, except you. Only you will ever completely know what rings true to your soul, your spirit.

For me in this moment, I am going through many levels of grief and as I process through them there are ups and downs. I have moments of tapping into my trainings and using practical tools and then I have moments of complete freak out and needing to bring myself back to balance. Hearing that internal self and knowing without a shadow of a doubt what choice to make is not always the easiest thing for me to do. I am human just like everyone else and continue to grow and work in this area. There are moments in my life, where it has come quickly and then there are moment as I find myself in right now, where I have to go deeper to find clarity. 

I don’t believe there is anything wrong with having moments of confusion for it is all there to serve us. At this moment, I must stay vigilant not to allow myself to go on a roller coaster ride with my emotions. I don’t know about you, but for me roller coasters can be additive. They can give you that quick high, the intense moment of suspense, and our emotions are the same way, we can become addicted to them, caught up in their highs and lows. But please don’t get me wrong, our emotions must be released or else they will explode or implode internally… so finding the balance, that’s the name of the game. This is what I’ve seen through all the teachings and trainings and from my own experiences…..balance… simply balance and all will be in harmony. This is the key that I strive to continuously bring myself back to. When I see myself going to extremes in either direction of a situation, I breathe and remind myself that nothing is permanent and where is the middle ground. The balance allows me to have complete self acceptance and knowing that I am perfect exactly the way I am. In this moment I am choosing to create harmony within my life and focus upon the gratitude of this exploration into balance as I move through the emotions with more ease and grace.

Many blessings to all of you on your own journeys!


Gaeliel Prathna Kaur

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